A bad brain day

I suffer from depression, and anxiety.

I have good days and I have bad days. Or what I like to call my bad brain chemical days.
On my bad days, I don’t even feel close to myself. I’m a ball of emotion, none of it logical or rational.
I can tell what I’m feeling isn’t me, isn’t what I want, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I sometimes get trapped in a spiral of thinking, where I know I’ll feel better if I do x, but I can’t do x because I don’t feel up to it.

A good example, today, I sat in my car in the parking lot at the grocery store for almost ten minutes crying, because I knew I needed to go inside to get my meds, so that I would start feeling better, but I couldn’t get out of the car because I couldn’t get out of the car. Eventually I was able to power my way through it and get my meds, and sure enough about a half hour later I started feeling better. But it was one of those situations where everything I needed to do to feel better made me feel worse.

There are days where the only way I can get through and do what I need to do is through sheer force of will.

I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m not looking for anything. I’m just sharing a truth about myself. If you see me, and I’m quieter than normal, there’s a good chance I’m having a bad brain day. If it seems like I’m snubbing you, or something like that, I’m probably just having a bad brain day, and all I can do all at that point is to keep going, to keep putting my feet one in front of another.

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