….is my bread, butter, and bourbon

Life has gotten increasingly busy for me as of late.

Work is shit. But I only have to deal with misogynistic boss for one more week and then if necessary I can work for his mother instead.

My list of things on my plate that need to get accomplished is getting increasingly longer. Let me bullet point it out for you.

  • Work (Stupid Stupid Job and need for money to live life)
  • Read, write review for Anthology (been on my list since November)
  • Read, write critiques for a short story for a friend of mine (this is just added as of yesterday, but should be accomplished soonish)
  • Write my contest piece for NYC Midnight Short Story Contest (Got the prompt today, deadline is next Saturday)
  • New Relationship Fun Stuff (stuff you prurient bastards still don’t get to hear about)
  • Trying to put aside money for both taxes and deposit for new apartment with Amanda come June.
  • Amanda and I have an event coming up the weekend of St. Patricks’ day that is going to keep us both extremely busy
  • Social Life (actually having one is kind of time consuming. Fun, but time consuming)

I’m just feeling wrung out a lot of the time. It’s overwhelming, and I can’t really see a way around any of it. 

Good things that make most of the stuff on the list worthwhile:

  • My girlfriend buys me yummy bourbon. 
  • Awesome new cigars that I got with my friend Scott
  • New Relationship fun stuff that you prurient bastards don’t get to hear about
  • Social Life
  • Event St. Patrick’s day weekend
  • Feeling like I can actually WRITE things again. Even if I’m reviewing someone else’s stuff, or working on a prompt for a contest that makes my head hurt.
  • Finally feeling FREE from AP. -This story will be elucidated on further here in a minute.
  • A bunch of new friends that I can share the awesomeness in my life with
  • An awesome girlfriend who I love more and more every day.

So overall, even though I’m feeling overwhelmed a lot of the time, its overwhelming things of a decent nature. 

 

Okay… so finally free of AP. Here we go. I got a text message from her number (I deleted her contact from my phone after the LAST time she texted me and pissed me off) saying ‘My grandma died.’ Me, being the sadistic bitch I am, and not going to put up with anymore of her shit, I said, ‘Who is this?’ To which she replied, ‘Fuck off. Six years of dating and you don’t even know my phone number? Way to be a bitch.’ To which I replied ‘You don’t get to treat me like shit and then expect me to be there for you when something bad happens.’ To which she replied ‘Treat you like shit? I haven’t talked to you in months.’ To which I replied, ‘Bullshit. Three weeks ago you jerked me around about the dog and calling me a bad dog parent and refusing to ever let me see her again. The death of any person is something to be mourned, but I can’t and won’t be there for you.’ After that, I gave my phone to Amanda, told her that I didn’t want to see anything else from her, so AP texted again, Amanda read it, deleted it, and that has been that. I told Amanda that if AP called, she should answer and be as nice or as mean as she would want. I kind of wish that AP HAD called so that Amanda could have had a chance to give her a piece of her mind, or whatever it is that she would have said. But, Amanda pointed it out to me, anything AP was going to say after my last text to her (probably the last thing I’ll ever say to her), was just going to be her trying to get my temper riled up and get me to fight with her. By giving my phone to Amanda and refusing to play AP’s game, I feel like I come out ahead. I’ve cut myself free of any ties to her. I don’t envision any more contact from her, and I just feel like I can finally completely move on, I don’t have any more encumbrances from her and her shit. And yes, I know that was kind of redundant. This is my blog. If you don’t like it, read something else.

 

Another revelation about my emotional state. I didn’t realize how many issues I have with my parents. (Sorry Mom, Dad. I love you guys, this is mostly all old shit that I didn’t know was an issue and is now coming up for me.)

I know that my parents love me. I’ve always known that. But until AP left me, I didn’t always FEEL that they loved me. 

I have a hard time reconciling the man my dad was when I was a little kid – he used to brush my hair every morning while I watched Scooby Doo. He could do it the best, he didn’t pull the tangles out. And the man who he became when he was drinking (including one incident when I was in either fourth or fifth grade that NO ONE else remembers).

I know that he’s done his best to make amends, and when he was first working the steps, I didn’t really accept his amends because they didn’t feel genuine. But since then, he’s continued making the effort, and I know I didn’t really give him the chance to make things better. AP encouraged the distance between me and my dad, always saying something like, ‘wasn’t X your dad said awkward?’ ‘your dad is so weird I don’t know how your mom can stand it.’ and my all time favorite ‘you’re just like your dad sometimes. I don’t know how I stand it.’ I guess as long as I was ‘like dad’ she could control me. And as long as I viewed my dad as someone that I didn’t want to be like, she could make the changes that she wanted.

Wow, that was really insightful of me.

After AP and I split up, I’ve been talking to my dad more, and while I don’t feel like we have the kind of relationship that I wish we did, I think that things can be moving more in that direction, but they just aren’t. But I give him credit, even when I was dodging his calls, and trying so hard to keep him at a distance, he kept trying to connect. 

My mom has always been a sounding board for me, but when I was a kid she was also always working all the time and it was sometimes hard to actually spend time with her. And I know that part of my distancing myself from her and my sister had more to do with hiding from my dad when he was drinking than anything else, but while I re-established or rather established a friendship/relationship with my sister after I moved out, I don’t think I really tried as hard with my mom as I could have. 

I never really did any therapy or anything about my dad’s drinking and how it affected me. I did AL-Anon like once, but it seemed hokey and stupid to me and I didn’t see the point in staying. But the more I think about it, the healthier my mental state gets, the more I see how many aspects of my life his drinking touched. It wasn’t just dealing with him when he was drunk, hiding in my room to avoid getting yelled at, or sneaking downstairs to my room trying to avoid him hearing me. Those were the obvious things, but really it just soured basically everything I thought about him, and I haven’t really gotten over it. I also seemed to have been blaming him and his drinking for my lack of relationship with my mom and sister. I know that really it’s not his fault, but once I realized that I felt so angry with him for that, I was able to let it go.

A large part of who I am today, the sci fi geeky person who reads anything and everything I can get my hands on, is an information sponge, who’s first word was ‘Azerbaijan’ , who’s got a smart ass sarcastic comment for everything or a pun or something cringe worthy funny…That’s all my dad’s influence. His temper is also my temper. And I am aware that his problem with alcohol could become mine. 

 I am the perfect amalgam of my parents – I look EXACTLY like my mother did at my age, and my personality is that of my father. And I know that despite the fact that they weren’t perfect, and nobody’s parents are, they did the best they could, and I think I turned out all right. 

So now I embrace the things about me that make me my father’s daughter.

I am a proud sci fi nerd.

I am a proud history nerd.

I am a proud English geek.

I am proud to have a quick wit and retort.

I am proud to be a smart ass.

I am proud to be fiercely loyal to the people I love.

I am proud to strive every day to be the best ME I can be.

I am proud to try to protect the things and the people that are mine, even if that means protecting them from myself.

I am proud to be of high intelligence. I will not hide this fact any more.

I am proud to be a strong person who will not be bulldozed by someone else, or made to bend to their will.

I am proud to be slightly awkward in social situations but make fun of myself for it, thereby breaking the ice with new people.

I hate sounding like a spoiled rich kid with tons of angst over ‘my mommy and daddy didn’t love me enough’ because I know that they do love me. But I think I’ve been so fucked up emotionally for long enough that I can’t remember feeling it, and I wish I could see them more often than I do, because I think that we could actually have a decent relationship now that I’m getting my head straightened out. 

Parent Angst. Ex Drama. 

Life goes on.

Life barrels forward whether you feel like you’re ready for it to or not. You just have to hold on for the ride and hope you don’t get left behind. 

 

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