Please excuse the grammatical inaccuracies in my title… they are lyrics and are written as such.
I haven’t written anything here in a while. I wrote another blog post elsewhere, but unless you already know about it, I’m not telling.
I’m aware of the fact that I have a problem with my temper.
Before it has always manifested itself in explosions of anger, often resulting in walls being punched, arms being grabbed, extremely loud shouting, ear buds being ripped out of ears… and often ended up with me feeling worse. That feeling of worse-ness lasted for days. I’ve written before about having walls that I’ve thrown up around my emotions… they’ve been down for a while now… and I’ve been wondering where my temper is.
It’s still there, it’s just manifesting itself differently. Instead of violent outbursts and shouting, its frustration more than anger. A sort of tired exhaustion brought about by a misogynistic boss who thinks its all right to call me ‘pumpkin’ and ‘babe’ and more often than not says he is trying to ‘pray away my gay’ or (most recently) tells me not to be ‘gay’. He’s got asbergers, and I’m sure he thinks he’s funny, but its not. I’m sure I’m not helping his confusion about the lack of funny by not saying anything, and even going along with his jokes about my sexual orientation. But it makes it not as hard to hear, in that minute anyways. Later it still sucks and I still hate him for it, but in that moment, it doesn’t hurt as bad.
My roommate and I are best friends, but as of recently I’ve been feeling like I’m his personal assistant / chauffer as well as his roommate. I did mention this to him today, but as he doesn’t have a car, there’s not much we can do differently. But I do hope he will stop trying to hook me up with the gay strippers where he works. I love Amanda very much, and while if I wanted to explore a relationship with another woman (at a later date after our relationship wasn’t quite so new), we would have that discussion, but right now, I’m perfectly happy with Amanda alone. So thanks SK, but I don’t need or want your help hooking me up with one of your stripper friends.
So I am so very tired, and apparently this is my temper. I don’t need it to be a huge blaring thing like it used to be, so it is just being a large wet blanket weighing me down and sapping my energy. I’m not sure which is worse. One is violent and scary for those around me as well as for myself, this is just exhausting and I’m not sure its so emotionally healthy either.
Amanda and I went hiking in St. Francois state park down by Farmington, MO yesterday. We did a 3 mile hike with some significant (for Missouri anyways) elevation changes. I feel like my legs went through a rock tumbler today. This morning I was kind of pathetic looking as I tried to put my pants on, and when it came to my shoes and socks, I was incapable of bending appropriately to be able to do that. So Amanda knelt down and put on my shoes and socks. It was incredibly sweet and once again I marvel at how much she loves me, and how much I love her.
But back to the hike. It was a great hike. I haven’t gone hiking in so long. And while I went ‘hiking’ with AP plenty of times, I can literally count on one hand the number of hikes we actually completed. We were notorious for not finishing the hike but just giving up and going home, or going to get something to eat. So it was awesome to actually finish the hike as we planned, and I was able to keep up not too terribly badly, I know I slowed Amanda down, but again, not too badly. We got confused about the trail we originally intended to do, we thought that there were two loops that you could do individually, but it turned out that to do the short loop, you had to complete the longer loop first, which made the entire hike almost 12 miles. So that didn’t happen. But it’s a goal. It’ll actually have to be a backpack hike, where we camp overnight and finish up, but the trail is set up for people to do just that, so that’s not a problem. Amanda was almost glowing with excitement when I told her that I would be all right with building up our endurance so that eventually we can do that 12 mile hike with the overnight.
We’re moving in together, or at least planning on when our leases are up that we’ll move in together. So we’re compiling a list of the things that we would like in our new place. In order of importance-
South City location
Not terrible neighborhood
Decent sized bedroom
Good kitchen (Amanda gets to pick what makes a kitchen good or bad)
Central Air and Heat
Preferably wood floors
Preferably with two bedrooms (or with storage space because we have two sets of furniture to smush together into one apartment).
A yard would be nice.
A place in the basement / somewhere for me to hang my heavy bag would be nice (but I understand that this might be incredibly difficult to obtain).
But I’m so excited to move in with her, it doesn’t feel like we’re rushing anything, and I’m sure that once we get moved in, its going to feel like a home, not just a place where I’m living. The apartment I’m living in now isn’t one I picked out. It’s not too bad, but it’s really not where I want to be. I don’t really like my neighborhood, its overpriced for what I’m getting… and it’s far away from basically everything I want to do now. I can’t wait to sleep next to her every night…. wait… I think I’m already doing that… well it’ll be different when it’s our bed, no roommates… etc.
So… Valentines Day. Yes, it’s a holiday created by a greeting card company. But I’ve never celebrated it before. And it was FUCKING AWESOME!
Amanda made me french toast in bed, packed me a lunch… proceeded to take all day keeping me wired and wound up (well that was mutual), asked my mom how to make my favorite dinner (which endeared her tremendously to my mother), and surprised me at my apartment when I got off work dressed AWESOMELY, we had dinner… and she had brought me a good bottle of bourbon, and a cigar which I got to smoke after dinner. And yes, there was other stuff about which you prurient bastards get no details. All in all a fucking awesome evening. Amanda loved her necklace and earrings. And her Valentines letter that I wrote. Yes, I don’t mean a card, I mean a letter. I’ve never written a love letter before, definitely not one that made the recipient cry in happiness. But it was pretty fucking awesome.
All in all, my life is pretty fucking awesome. I’m so lucky to have an incredible girlfriend who knows me so well and loves me despite the fact that she knows me so well. I’m lucky that I love her so much that I still can’t fully comprehend or explain it in words. And my future’s so bright, I should be wearing shades.