“We have to talk” –
A four word phrase that has drilled fear into the hearts of many an individual in a relationship.
I’ve heard it, I’ve read it in texts, and it has caused me great amounts of anxiety.
But for me, the words that have created the most amount of anxiety –
“Oh that’s fine.” or “I’m okay.” or some variety of those.
Usually following me doing or saying something that can cause anger or upset.
These words used to make me feel like I had an elephant sitting on my torso, my stomach trying to climb out of my throat, and I would go so pale that people thought I was going to pass out.
Because they were always a lie.
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME.
It was never ‘fine’ she wasn’t ‘okay’ we weren’t ‘all right’. She loved playing head games with me. She loved fucking with me. And in her mind, it was all right because I should have known better. I should have intuitively known that it wasn’t fine, okay, or all right. I should have been able to read her mind and just KNOW. It wasn’t acceptable for me to not be able to instantly know that whatever it was I did wasn’t okay.
Like my sometimes instinctual desire to ‘behave’ this is another instinct that has stuck around in my life post – AP. But while I’m able to shake off the ‘behave’ easier on my own, this one requires outside intervention.
Today I called my mom and told her about the whole complicated nature of mine and Amanda’s relationship… sparing her the nitty gritty details that she didn’t need to know of course, but giving her more of a better picture of what my life is looking like now. I didn’t use the words poly and kink, though those are true, but only because she probably wouldn’t understand them. But I filled her in, and I told her that I had been nervous to tell her, which of course (like my ‘coming out when I was 17) she told me was silly since she would love me no matter what.
And now you’re all wondering why I just gave you this lovely tangent… it’s connected I promise.
So after I hung up with my mom, I told Amanda that I had told my parents everything. (Which I might add that she had already told me a couple weeks ago was all right.) She was slightly concerned how they took it, but after I told her it went well, she seemed all right. And once again she said she was okay. And once again, I felt that rush of panic, that instinct to start apologizing for anything and everything that I could come up with, that ‘I have to fight right now to prove that I love her and that she still does love me despite whatever it is I just did to fuck things up’ instinct came up. But instead of acting that way, I managed to send Amanda a text that said, “I know you said yes it’s okay, and I know that you mean that. But there’s still a part of me that’s wondering if I should have told you first and gotten the ok.’
She knows what the issue is here. She knows that its not intentional that I don’t believe her. Because in my head, I do. In my head, I know she’s not lying, but my adrenal glands haven’t caught up, and once they get going, my brain reverts.
And it pisses me off.
It pisses me off that the shadow of AP still is present in my life now. Especially when it hurts Amanda. Its not a big hurt, but it doesn’t matter if its big or not, anything that is AP’s fault that hurts Amanda at all pisses me off a lot. In a sense, it feels like AP is hurting Amanda directly through me. And its bad enough that AP hurt me, and that I’m still hurting because of things that are her fault. But hurt MY GIRLFRIEND? And USE ME TO DO IT? Oh FUCKING HELL it makes me FUCKING FURIOUS. Because NO ONE HURTS MY GIRLFRIEND AND GETS AWAY WITH IT. Not even me (indirectly).
So that’s what’s coming up at therapy on Tuesday.
Because I won’t hurt Amanda, even a little. Not if I can help it.
I had started to wonder where my tortured writer’s soul had gone. Now I know. It never left, it just took a nap.
And yet, I am not mad at myself for what happened. I know it’s something that I’m going to need some professional help getting over and getting past. I know that Amanda doesn’t blame me for it. She doesn’t like it, but she doesn’t blame it. Same way she doesn’t like it when I’m hurting over something that happened with AP. But she doesn’t blame me for hurting then either. So I know she doesn’t blame me for this today. And I know she won’t blame me if it happens again.
Because I know that I will blame myself, but I know that blaming myself will make Amanda hurt, I will try to not blame myself for causing her even the slightest sliver of pain.
Of course my tortured writer’s soul isn’t helpful in that regard at all, but it can take another nap.
Amanda and I have an incredibly open and honest relationship.
Neither of us has lied to the other one. Yes, I realize it’s only been a month, but we’ve both seen the terror and horror that dishonesty can bring about in a relationship. (Yes, I know those are really harsh words, but I use them deliberately.)
I told her that she is the only person which I hadn’t told a single lie (except when it comes to surprises, but those don’t count- which she agrees). And that I haven’t felt that desire or need or anything to keep anything from her. I’ve said that if there’s something about me that she doesn’t know already because I haven’t told her, its not that I was keeping it from her, it was literally only that I forgot she didn’t already know.
We both know the importance of honesty. We’d both prefer a hard truth than a comforting lie told to ‘protect’ us. And we talk about literally everything. It’s pretty amazing.
Its also pretty incredible that we can have those hard conversations without fighting, or raising our voices, or someone stopping listening, or calling each other names. But like civilized human beings. I think I’ve told you all that before, but it still needs to be marveled over because of how incredible it is.
We both like the direction our relationship is heading, and the method by which we are getting there. Honesty, open communication, no head games, genuine appreciation and affection, and of course love. Always love.
It’s crazy what having a healthy relationship will do for you.
Other things that are all good that I love about Amanda:
(Because I’ve depressed you all enough today)
I can make a reference about margaritas in a pint glass and she says, “Its supposed to be a pina colada.” (Bonus points to anyone else that knows that’s a Gaelic Storm reference.)
I didn’t have to introduce her to Gaelic Storm, she was already a fan. In fact, we were at the same Gaelic Storm concert a few years ago at the Old Rock House.
I think she might give me a run for my money at Trivial Pursuit (we’d have to buy the new version, she’s already memorized all of the questions and answers to the old version).
She makes a wicked Eggs Benedict despite her distaste of Hollandaise sauce and poached eggs. Just because she knows I love it.
She has a great eye for what pair of jeans makes my ass look awesome.
She bought me cologne, with a nose for both what she likes, and what I like. (And it drives her crazy).
She likes to occasionally wear the button up that I wore the day before to work. Like today. I think it looks better on her than it does on me. 😉
She’s a superhero.
Her cape is in the mail.