A self esteem boost.
I didn’t know I was the kind of person who needed my self esteem boosted. I don’t necessarily think I’m as awesome as some people, but I know I’m a fairly interesting individual with some cool attributes. But I didn’t think I was all that awesome.
I definitely didn’t know that I have some self esteem issues due to how I’ve been treated in my past relationships.
With B, I didn’t realize it at the time, but later I discovered that really the only thing I could do for her that would make her happy was sex. That was the only thing about me she really liked.
With AP, I know I made her happy with sex, or rather she enjoyed my body with sex, and the things I could do for her. There were probably other things that I did that made her happy, or instances that were happy and unrelated to sex, but I can’t really think of what they were.
And with a fuck buddy I had before I met Amanda, I know I made her happy with sex since that was the entirety of our relationship.
So I’ve never been too shy about my skills in the bedroom. I know I’ve got them, I know I can make women happy in the bedroom.
So while consciously I knew that I was (and am) making Amanda happy, I was associating it subconsciously with only what I was doing to her in bed.
When she would give me a huge grin after sex and tell me how happy she was, I knew why.
But yesterday, we were just out and about running some errands, buying Absinthe for dinner with my friend Scott, buying me some new jeans that actually fit… stuff like that. And I looked at her and smiled, and she smiled, but there was a bit of sadness in her eyes. So I commented on it. Her response? “I’m sad because I can’t adequately describe how completely and utterly happy I am, and how much I love you. I’m sad because there aren’t words that work.”
I know that I blushed, because effusive exultations of praise and love always make me blush. Well they do now anyways, I’m hard pressed to think of someone else who’s said things like that to me BESIDES Amanda…
But the point is, there was a part of me that didn’t feel like I deserved this indescribable amount of love and happiness. Especially not at that minute when I wasn’t giving her sex, cause after all, that’s what makes women happy, isn’t it?
And after a large amount of rumination on the subject, I’ve figured it out. I figured out about the whole thing about my idea of my worth for women being mostly due to my sexual abilities.
Now I KNOW that I have way more than that to offer. I know that in my head, I know it logically and rationally, but somewhere in my heart I’ve had that voice of doubt.
That voice that tells me that happiness is transient. That as soon as the sexual allure wears off I won’t be worth as much.
And I didn’t know this voice was there. I didn’t know these issues existed for me. Once I realized they did, it was like I had fallen through a trap door. The floor was gone and I was in free fall… Or I was until Amanda grabbed my hand and pulled me back to firm ground.
So I still sometimes feel unworthy of the amount of love and the level of happiness I foster in her, but I’m working on feeling the appropriate level of awesomeness that I apparently am working with.
All I know for sure is that I love Amanda beyond the definition of the word. And that she loves me beyond the definition. And that we both make each other happier than the word can adequately describe. And I will strive every day to be the person who makes her so happy that she can’t use words to explain it. Because she does the same for me.
And my issues will go away eventually. Enough love and recognizing problems as they occur will do wonders for those hidden trap doors.
The longer Amanda and I are together (and its only been a month), the more I’m becoming who I am meant to be.
I’m more confident. I walk taller, talk brighter, flirt more obviously, whip out my cockiest smile, and take what I want (within reason of course).
And Amanda loves it. She fell for a more broken version of me, but the more ME me I become, I can see her love for me growing. Its an incredibly liberating feeling to be able to expand myself, to grow so quickly as a person, and to not have my evolution stunted by external forces, but instead fostered into growth and well being. I can confidently say that I both am and am not the same person that Amanda went on a date with a month ago. I’m not even the same person I was LAST week. The change in my personality is dramatic, and yet completely in line with who I know I should have been all along.
AP suppressed my personality, she kept me repressed, kept me obedient (as much as I am able to obey-which isn’t as much as she wanted). AP wanted me passive so that she could control everything, so that she could have the life she wanted. And yet she would get angry that I didn’t have a thought of my own, that I would do what she wanted. But she wouldn’t allow me to try to grow. Growth would have meant giving up her control, and that she couldn’t allow. So I remained resigned to be the same person who had very little personality or say in anything. But now… oh gods, now… my heart constantly feels like it’s going to expand or explode with how much it’s grown, with how much my sense of SELF has established itself. I’m still learning who I am, I’m still learning what I like and don’t like… but all signs point to the more I learn and explore and expand… the more Amanda falls for me. The more she loves me. The more perfect for her I am becoming. And although it’s only been a month, nothing really feels all that rushed.
Like I said last time. I’m done waiting for that other shoe to drop. If it drops, it drops… but waiting for it is a waste of time.
And one thing that I don’t particularly like… is wasting time.
Okay, I hate it.
But I know that I’m the one who hates it. I know it’s not a feeling that I’ve been told to have. I know that my hatred of wasting time is mine.
And that’s a fabulous feeling all in itself.
Not nearly as fabulous as love beyond the definition. But then again… what is?