If you could surrender to a pair of arms / That would hold you and protect you from all and any harm

Canadian stagehands are amazing. Or at least the ones from the Royal Winnipeg Ballet Company are amazing. I worked a load out at the Touhill last night with the RWBC, and it was by far the most organized, competently staffed, and most definitely the most fun I have had doing theatre work since I was in high school working with the IATSE local 128 folks at Music Theatre of Wichita. The stagehands (both local and road crew) were giving me tons of shit for the giant hickeys that I have on my neck, and all of a sudden I was the belle of the ball, well stagehand wise anyways, a bunch of them all had something to say about me, always good natured ribbing. But as we have a saying in theatre “the more shit you give about someone, the more you give a shit about them.” I was on the radar of my co-workers in theatre for the first time in a long while. It made my late night call go by rapidly, and I apparently had an infectious grin on my face (for once not wholly due to the new girlfriend making me happy, though I’m sure my evening wouldn’t have been as pleasant if I wasn’t already in a good mood).

Even as recently as six months ago, I most likely wouldn’t have felt like I could have joked with my fellow hands as I did, especially once the joking turned crude and sexual. Not that AP would have necessarily found out what I said, but that I had been ‘trained’ that behavior such as that was in no way tolerable or acceptable. But by not being a part of the conversations for so long, I had isolated myself from the people who I have had a great deal of fun- stagehands. This was just another incredible awakening for me. I didn’t realize that I had been that isolated, that detached from the life that once inspired me, once gave me such great joy, made me want to get up in the morning and go to work. Because it hadn’t felt like work! But once AP and I had been together for just mere days, I realize now that I had begun distancing myself, detaching myself from my old life in favor of the one that AP wanted for me, for us.

As I’ve found myself caught up in the whirlwind of my new relationship, this fear of getting lost has made itself known again. But after last night’s amazing load out, and how AB encouraged me to go, encouraged me to be myself (all of myself, not the censored PG13 version), I know that despite the speed and intensity of the new relationship, it is nowhere near anything like my old relationship. I am not losing myself in my partner’s wants and needs (subconsciously or consciously), I am not changing myself to better suit her needs and moods, because me being me, uncensored, unvarnished, warts and all, is the person that she needs and wants. So why would I want to change? Our relationship is very much about what is best for both of us, the combination of both of our lives, wants, friends, needs, activities… everything that makes us who we are.

After I got off work, I met up with AB and we had a late dinner (1am still counts as dinner right?), then passed out til around 8am this morning.

We went shooting down at the range where one of my best friends works. (She totally hooked us up. She also gave AB her Valentines Day present from me – three weeks early.)

AB and I both agree that there’s nothing hotter than a girl who’s good with a firearm. And AB is GOOD with a firearm. 😀

But back to the Valentines Day present three weeks early –

About a week ago I contacted my friend Tawn who makes bullet jewelry (I have two of her first pieces that she gave me and I tell everyone about who makes them) and commissioned her to make AB a pair of .45 Long Colt earrings in steel casings. Today I was to pay for them and pick them up next week. But Tawn had different ideas. When we came into the gun store where she works, Tawn went about showing AB all of the jewelry that she had, and keeping her eye on what caught AB’s attention. AB was drawn to a .40 cal pendant without a chain, so after I gave Tawn the cash, she said, “Oh and that’s from Sarah.” to which I replied, “Uh… no it isn’t.” Remember I still think that Tawn is making me earrings to give to AB. But apparently its now going to be that pendant that we still need to get something to hang it from. So I told AB that it was supposed to be a surprise, and supposed to be for Valentines Day. But apparently it doesn’t matter all that much.

I love this girl so much that I consistently amaze myself with how much joy she brings my life, how much it makes me happy just sitting next to her, just thinking about her… and I know that I make her just as happy, that I bring her just as much joy and that she loves me in that same whole body, whole soul, every fiber of my being way that I love her and feel just by looking at her.

And I know she’s going to read this at some point. So this is more for her than for you other folks.

Love you sweetheart. You are incredible and I thank whatever element of the universe brought us together so that we can make each other this incredibly happy.

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